Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
You Might Also Like
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Found the job I’m suited for
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Don’t touch that.