[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
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[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank