Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
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Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Sometimes? I’m slipping
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.