The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
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I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Lube but for my dry humor.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”