SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
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Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Yes, but it was never about money
#CoronaOutbreak
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.