*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
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Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.