The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Succinctly put.
are they though??
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
My typo game is string.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat