i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
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I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
these two trucks have the same bed length
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body