i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
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Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.