my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
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I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Brb my Sims are getting married
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.