Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
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[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Thursday
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?