My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
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Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
eggs benadryl
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.