Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
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Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Y’all ready for this
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.