If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
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My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
british sex workers really pound for pound
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out