One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
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Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
it was love at first sight
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?