My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
You Might Also Like
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
i’m still crying at this
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.