When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
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Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”