The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
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My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”