*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
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“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Nothing to do, you say?
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
c’mon!
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 馃
Me: It鈥檚 late, and I鈥檓 so tired.
My brain: Let鈥檚 find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Why am I like this?
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”