[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
You Might Also Like
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
ready to be harvested
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME