Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
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Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Sounds like a bargain
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.