Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
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daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?