Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
You Might Also Like
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
How do I rate our solar system?
One star