velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
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7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
my mom making me talk to relatives
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.