The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
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I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I’M CRYINGGG
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.