This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
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*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.