When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough