I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
You Might Also Like
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.