my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
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Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp