Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
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If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
What personal space?
My dog
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”