The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
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I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.