[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
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*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Me irl
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
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