Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
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me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too