Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
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It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Hit me in the face with a bird
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME