After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
You Might Also Like
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
*me flirting
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron