If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
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strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Happy thanksgiving
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.