temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
You Might Also Like
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock