Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes