I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
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For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.