Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
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Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle