A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
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Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.