I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
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I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
dude it’s called proctologist
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?