“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
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Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
🤣🤣🤣
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad