A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
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Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Monica just destroyed the internet