i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
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You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found