After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
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Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8