There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.