I’m more of a homeless romantic.
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I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
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I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
house sitting!
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic