Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
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INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”