“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
You Might Also Like
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
when you order from DoorDastardly
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Anyone really
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires